Monday, January 30, 2012

Hipsters In Love: In Theaters 2012

We've all seen the movies, they have become the pinnacle of love that we aspire to BUT IS THAT RIGHT?!?! Don't worry we'll address all your concerns here, and if I must I will crush some dreams, but you know SOME DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE DESTROYED!

(500) Days of Summer - A.K.A. The Hipster Anthem

Everyone loves Zooey Deschanel, and don't get me wrong I love her too. And I know girls who would literally kill someone for a chance at Jason Gordon-Levitt, and while I am not one of them, Sorry JGL you're a little too svelte for me, I can appreciate his appeal. They are both the bee's knees as the kids say these days. Okay I've gotten the obligatory praise of the famous pretty people out of the way, now on to the movie.

Now I have this internal rule that in movies the characters are not their actors. This helps me separate the weird celebrity gossip I hear about these people I don't know/care about with the characters in tv shows whom I do actually care about sometimes very deeply (what can I say I get very emotionally involved at times). So my critique of the character Summer should in no way reflect on Miss Deschanel, same goes for JGL.

Summer is the perfect example of the twenty something hipster. She has a quirky apartment with some nice vintage wallpaper. I don't know about anyone else but no apartment I've ever been in has had awesome wallpaper/let me put up wallpaper. Maybe I just need to have more expensive grown up apartments but this seems extremely unlikely to me. Also what was with the weird decorations, a dead tree full of origami birds? Really Summer? Really? I can just imagine her sitting at her adorable coffee table carefully folding those birds internally plotting how she'd use them to intimidate all her visitors with her hipster powers.

yes, yes my precious, we'll ensnare them all! 

Now Tom played by our lovable Jason Gordon-Levitt was the other half of the equation. The oh so ready to fall in love twenty something male protagonist a la Ted Mosby. All it took was a pretty girl with a little quirk to her step to convince him that it was the moment to fall in love. I think it's safe to say we'd all like a little quirkiness in our potential significant others. It definitely helps in the beginning when we're all basically engaging in a competition to impress our beaus with our prowess. Much like the cavemen of old when the one who brought home the biggest mammoth leg got the prettiest lady. In today's world the mammoth are extinct, I think we'd all have it a little easier if this was not true, but it is. Instead of going out to hunt mammoths we have to pretend to be more interesting than we normally are and just go around ikeas or wherever and make everyone else in the store feel massively uncomfortable!

In this movie their love is a very childish thing. They fall in love over the course of several frivolous activities I did as a teenager, and you know what? We all love it. the whole world is enamored with the concept of hipsters falling in love in a hipster way. I probably sound really old and a bit of a fogy. Those damn kids and their falling in love, who needs em' get off my lawn! That being said it's not realistic. Sorry people you won't meet someone who's "adorkable" at a swap meet or at your job working as a label writer for starbucks and fall in love over karaoke and PBR. Maybe that will happen to you, but for the sake of discouraging unrealistic goals I'm going to say it's highly unlikely.

Next we have the actually teenaged hipster lovers in Youth and Revolt where we have young Nicholas Twisp played by the eternally pre-pubescent Michael Cera and the franophile overly sexual Sheeni Saunders played by Portia Doubleday (who I haven't heard of and I'm pretty sure is nothing else of note).

These two haven't matured to the point where they are skilled in hiding their bougie-ness behind a facade of worldliness. Twisp is obsessed with records and falling in love with the overly sophisticated Sheeni and Sheeni is in turn obsessed with all things french and making Nicholas go to extreme lengths to prove he loves her. This includes such wonderful gems as destroying both his parents' cars and getting her kicked out of her pretentious all french boarding school. It's a match made in heaven. Again not really but we idolize them and wish secretly, or not so secretly as the case may be that we too could find a man/woman to love in such a manner.

Again I may sound old and bitter/cynical but please bitches if some guy was like "hey I did all this for you, sorry you got kicked out of your awesome boarding school that was fulfilling all your dreams/whatever but um I burned down a coffee shop for you, WE BELONG TOGETHER!" if someone said that to me first of all I would probably kick him in the mouth and secondly I would not reciprocate his obviously unhealthy obsession with me, flattering though it may be. I'm not even going to go into Nick's creation of his alterego used to facilitate his descent into juvenile delinquency. That's a post for another day.

Francois Dillinger - all around bad ass

I had an idea the other day to create a movie entitled Hipsters in Love along the same lines as the Scary Movie franchise. A movie that would capture all the over used stereotypes of the modern day hipster and show the world how ridiculous we all seem. I can hear my children fifty years down the road now, making fun of my generation for our obsession with looking like we got our clothes out of dumpsters and our preoccupation with bohemian-esque love.

Look how cute they are,
 they're probably playing the "penis" game

Sunday, January 29, 2012

They Said She'd Never Sink

My first promise is that I will not be using sea shanty jargon all the time. For those of you who are relieved don't get too excited, I said all the time, not never. I can't resist a good some sea-side salutations occasionally. For those of you who want me to always be speaking in the language of a sailor in love with his fickle mistress the sea, don't think this means I'll be busting out pirate stuff all the time, I'm a classy lady.

That being said, this all has nothing to do with the sea. In fact I don't particularly like the ocean. I think whales are vaguely diabolical and are biding their time before they destroy us all (just ask sea world... too soon?) and that it is quite possible we have already been invaded and we just don't know because they're in the ocean! I mean, who really knows what's going on down there anyway (That's what she said?) I definitely feel a certain sense of kinship with ol' Ahab.

Just call me Ishmael 
That being said, Schmahlo is not a sea gal, but be that as it may, I'm about to go all philosophical in that I am a ship on the great sea of life... blah blah blah. I'm going to leave it to the historians of the future to try and figure this one out. We all know these blogs are like the diaries of tomorrow. I know people who are majoring/majored in history and they are mad about journals and diaries and are always getting on my case to start one. I say I'm just forward thinking and they will all thank me one day for these titillating tidbits of wisdom. 

ON TO THE MEAT (She also might have said that, I promise I'm not planning these). I am on a fierce hunt for a pet. A.K.A. I want a cat. For those of you dog people out there who turn your noses up at cats, you can just go bite it. I LOVE THEM. If a dog loves you big deal, he loves anyone who feeds him, when a cat loves you, you've earned that love. Not to say dogs aren't awesome, if it were feasible in my apartment situation to get a dog I totally would, as well as a cat, but it's not SO CAT IT IS! 

I have done a lot of research on breeds because that's basically all I can do at the moment until a few things pan out *cough*roommate consent*cough* so I've been looking up the breeds that do well indoors and their temperaments to see what kind of cat I would do the best with. The consensus (with myself) is that I want an affectionate, loyal lap cat. One that will love me and only me! But will still tolerate the presence of others. After all it would be awkward for my roommate if my hypothetical cat hated her... I guess

I originally fixated on the British Shorthair cat as my object of desire. Not only do they have some admirable traits such as an easy going temperament, an ability to do well indoors and a loving nature they also have some fantastic JOWLS! 

Jowls I tell you JOWLS!

How awesome is that? I can't think of a better feature for a cat. Also added bonus their health risks are a propensity to run to fat in old age because they are so LAZY! A fat lazy fat that will love me and has jowls. Um I'll take two please. 

Sadly these are highly prized show cats and are way beyond the meager wages of a poor recent grad working part-time so I had to move on. It's okay british shorthair one day you will be mine! 

I am now fixated on the Maine Coon cats! These are also well known for their loyalty to their person. They're huge cats which is a plus (if you forgive the pun) because I like bigger cats, they are just cuter to me, I don't totally know why. They're affectionate and have long fur. These are all beautiful pluses, and as an added bonus they are way more common in the pool of available cats to adopt. 

Can you say no to that face, cause I can't

The only problem really is that I have yet to bond with a cat. These creatures are very particular about their people. If they don't like you the adjustment period is not going to be fun. I had this idea to adopt an older cat because they tend to be mellower and not as high maintenance, but what I've found over the course of a few shelter visits is that these cats are not going to bond with you. They've already bonded with some other person and now you're their second choice. 

Perhaps I've just been unlucky in my quest, and there is a wonderful older cat out there waiting to meet me. I would love for that to be the case, but I think I'm going to have to start looking at the younger cats. I'm hoping that if I start with them young, they will LOVE ME AND ONLY ME! That's the goal, don't forget people. 

My next step is to start attending adoption events at pet stores and see where that gets me. But my desire for a lap cat is growing stronger and stronger by the minute! It doesn't help that I'm constantly on looking up adoptable pets in my area. It's become a minor addiction I'm sorry to say. 

"wilt thou not chase the white whale! art not game for Moby Dick?" - Moby Dick by Herman Melville
 Translation: You should probably follow this blog