Sunday, December 16, 2012

Holiday Hallmark Movies Hit and Miss

And by miss I mean missed by a crazy unreasonable amount. Now, I am not gonna lie, I love Holiday movies. There is something about holiday movies that make even the most obscene;y cheesy and corny movies bearable. Perhaps it is the massive amounts of hot cocoa I consume while watching them. There is however no amount of hot cocoa that can redeem some of these monstrosities!

There are two movies in particular that I recently watched. The hit was Christmas with Holly, sorry world this movie was pretty freaking fantastic. And the miss was Hitched for the Holidays, again, sorry world, this movie made me want to write angry letters to the director, producer and pretty much anyone that allowed that movie to exist. STOP RUINING MY HOLIDAY BUZZ!

Christmas with Holly, was beautiful for so many reasons foremost among them was THIS MAN Sean Faris

who looks eerily similar to a young Tom Cruise! 

Maybe imagine Tom Cruise with a little less dirt, before he went crazy and with an adorable little niece who he loves with all his beautiful heart.

precious times a million I know. 

Also there is a wonderful drooly dog names Olive who just wanders about being awesome. And I Fairy House and wonderful realistic romance betwixt adults who are honest with each other. 
What? Our relationship isn't based on lies? And it's working? AMAZING! 
Also this girl irish step dances like a winner. 


Hitch for the Holidays

I typically don't like these movies with the lying to families and the like, it just seems like contrary to the spirit of the holidays to deceive your friends and family. So these two crazies, I call them boy swagger and the preternaturally pale 

basically she posts a craigslist ad for a holiday escort and this attractive gentleman answers and THEY FALL IN LOVE against all odds blah blah blah. 

There were so many random unnecessary twists in this movie. Needless to say it ended with Rob Lowe chasing down her cab as she left her new year's eve party o HORSEBACK. the police officer to whom the horse belonged chased him down (a.k.a. rob lowe didn't actually need to horse to chase down that cab), didn't arrest him, but admonished him to marry that nice girl or face justice. 

I can't even articulate how ridiculous a movie this was. At the end when a normal movie would have just ended you know, rolled the credits, but instead this piece of shit movie ended by telling us how all the characters lives ended up AS IF IT WERE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. How dare it HOW DARE!?!?!

In conclusion, Christmas with Holly ruled, and this other one Sucked! 


Monday, September 10, 2012

a short story

All You Need is Love

My first love and I met in college, freshman year. We didn’t fall in love at first sight, nothing so dramatic. I thought he was funny and he thought I was interesting. We were in the same art history general education class and it seemed natural that we be friends.
I remember the first time he kissed me. We were on the roof of the astronomy building pretending we could see the stars. He had just pointed out a constellation made up of two satellites and an airplane. I looked up at him and I couldn’t resist the laughter that was plain in his eyes. This was a man who could see the ridiculous in everything and still thought it was amazing regardless. That first kiss was like coming home after being somewhere uncomfortably unfamiliar. I felt safe and warm.
What followed was inevitable. People would question us, “You’re really still together?” they asked. Yes, we were. There was nothing else to say, no explanations seemed necessary. I loved him and he loved me. It was all we needed, each other.
We moved in together straight after college. We starved for the first couple months, forfeiting food in favor of rent until we could find jobs. The problem was the recession was still keeping its choke hold on the job market so starving became a real possibility and not just a cute phrase.
            He did odd jobs and I tried to sell my art to tourists at the weekend farmer’s markets. We barely made ends meet, until we didn’t.
I was trying not to look hungry, and trying to sell a middle-class matron on the idea of garbage really being trash, and the energy needed to do both at once was draining. The woman walked away empty handed, my pitch needed work, when a young woman walked up to my blanket. I had seen her ilk before, polished I think the word was. Her hair was perfectly in place, make-up without a smudge which was still a skill I did not possess. Her pant suit had firmly pressed lines and its color complemented her skin tone beautifully.
I looked up at her and started my spiel but I had no real hope of convincing her. This kind of woman knew quality and she knew my work was not. She crouched down and started fingering a necklace I had made out of old beer bottle glass and caps.
“That one is…” I started trailing my hand through my hair nervously. 
She held up a hand, effectively cutting me off. It was just as well I wasn’t sure what I would have said: very weird? very sad? very please buy it?
“I see you here every weekend, but you are still selling the same trash.” I through my head back a little at the harshness of her words. I knew it was trash, nothing like the grand projects I imaged I’d be creating. No glorious sculptures or awe inspiring paintings that captured what was in my mind or heart. Instead I searched our damp apartment’s trash and recycle bins each morning for something that wasn’t too dirty or broken to use.
“Not everyone can see the, the beauty..” I tried to muster up some pride for my work, to defend it.
“Let me stop you right there. It is trash, not up to your potential at all.”
What was this? My potential? Did this woman know me, could she see my artist’s spirit behind the despair that was beginning to creep into my every movement?
“You don’t need to stoop to this level. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted. You already have what you need.”
This all seemed too good to be true. Perhaps I should have been more suspicious. This is the part of the story where I yell at the heroine that it’s all a trap. It seems too good to be true because it is. It was, but I didn’t figure that out until much later.
“It’s easy enough. You use your love to pay.”
It started out easy enough. I would tell her about a moment when I loved him. Something he’d done that day that made me smile. It happened so slowly I almost didn’t notice.
One day his inability to wash the dishes would make me smile and shake my head and the next I would be slightly frustrated but still indulgent. I became shorter with him. When before I may have been miserably hawking my substandard wares in a crowd of indifferent tourists and housewives, at least I went home and could forget it all in his arms, content that we still had it all.
That started to disappear. Slowly, so slowly. Our standard of living increased, I never told him what was happening, I instead let him assume business was picking up. He got a steady job, and I could have stopped but it was so easy. It was just me telling stories I wanted to tell anyway, and here was an audience who seemed completely interested.
Every time I left her, she seemed a little brighter, a little happier. Still polished but not as intimidating. He face was more approachable, she seemed lively like a friend you were eager to make. I didn’t notice the changes that I myself was undergoing but they were happening none the less.
“Last night we went back to the astronomy building roof.” I started.
“Where he first kissed you?” she asked her hands trailing through her hair in an achingly familiar gesture.
“Yes, where it all began. It’s my last story, and the most important. I wanted so badly to see the stars, and he showed them to me. It was the moment I knew I loved him.” I said the words even though they had long ago lost their meanings. I was going through the motions of love with none of the spirit.
“At that moment I loved him.” She said and she was me, as she had been becoming all along.
I looked down at my perfectly pressed suit she had been wearing and I touched my hair in its neat bun. I looked at her across from me and I could see her glowing with love, the love I had possessed not too long ago, squandered away for an easier life. I couldn’t even feel the regret I knew I should have.
I didn’t love him anymore, she did. It was like he was a man I had once admired from a distance but had never gotten close enough to know.
She reached across the table and pressed my hand before grabbing my bag and walking back to my blanket of trinkets I knew she would sell.
I had paid with my love, just like she said I would, and I couldn’t understand what I had given away.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Being Inappropriate at the Supermarket

I frequently have to resist the impulse to be extremely inappropriate in public situations. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am less so. This last trip to the market was a near thing indeed.

First off has anyone noticed how phallic most food is. French Baguettes, rolls of ground meat? Oh god just talking about it is horrifying. I mean come on, bananas? BANANAS?!?! These are acceptable and often purchased foods (well I buy a lot of baguettes because I'm a bread snob but meat and fruit those are definitely popular food choices.)

Okay so I attempted to search "girl eats banana" to illustrate how horrifying of a food it is, and I can't even make myself post any of the results. Try it yourself it's revealing of... something. Also lots of little kids which is disturbing in a different way.

There is also a lot of suggestive marketing that goes along with food. Lots of meal for two nonsense. Like come on meal... for two? That may be a stretch but it still counts for me.

Anyway long story short I have a dirty mind and should not be allowed out in public, obviously. Good thing no one reads this BOO-YAH!

I mean COME ON! 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Zombie Survival Guide

Some times I start thinking that books like "The Zombie Survival Guide" were written in the future and sent back to us as a warning. I start to get the feeling that I need to read it and others like it, and genuinely begin preparing for these catastrophes that are coming.

Then I remember that I am a rational being and that's all just silly.

Or is it...?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Book I'm excited to Read

The Devil's Mixtape by Mary Borsellino

It's about three separate girls in different time periods who share a common legacy. I don't know too much about it, only what's in the amazon book description, but I've heard great things about it. Also the author is Australian and every single book I've ever read that was written by an Australian as been beautiful, insightful,  and awe inspiring.

Two of my favorite books of all time: Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta and Son of the Shadows by Juliet Marillier are both written by awesome Australian ladies. I want to go there so I can soak up the creative juices.

Anyway, I'm excited about it.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Ode to a Kitty Cat

Oh you most elusive of creatures
Won't you please come visit me
I see you in the parking lot
You taunt me with your snarky disdainful eyes

I saw you climb on my window
One night while I struggled with sleep
I went to the door to try to catch you
But you had already slipped away to greener pastures

Oh elusive kitty
I will feed you the best foods
I will pet you when you want
and leave you alone when you want

I see you running underneath the cars
I wonder to whom do you belong
Is it one of my neighbors
Or the grand notion of adventure?

Oh little orange creature
Please don't run from me
Let me offer you my affection and regard
I long for a kitty companion of my own

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Perks of Being a Night Owl, or Surviving the Night Shift

You may or may not know this, but I work during the night now. And not in a oh I get off at 9pm oh it's so late. No, I work from 10pm until 6am most days of the week. This has created and interesting new dynamic between me and my body. If anyone has worked during the night, you'll know how difficult it is to adjust to this new schedule at first. Your body doesn't know what to do in the mornings, it's tired but the sun is tell it to wake up. I had a lot of trouble the first week just getting enough sleep during the day. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep past noon for some reason. I mean really, in my hay day I could sleep until about 2pm no problem, even when I went to sleep at a reasonable hour. It's sad to think my body is starting to get used to a responsible sleeping schedule. Proof I really am an adult I guess.

Anyway there have been a couple of strange consequences to this new schedule. First off, I've lost my appetite to a large extent. I think my body is just so freaked out that we haven't really been communicating properly. It's as if it doesn't know if it's the morning or not. To be fair I go to sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon, so I guess it's only to be expected that there would be some confusion. My remedy for this not eating, because I do need food occasionally, has been to schedule it out. I've been working on a new schedule that will simulate a regular day, even though my days are far from regular, and this has kept me from getting the grouchies, or low blood sugar. Also I only really want to eat totino's pizza rolls, I could eat those all day.

I also cannot seem to decide when to sleep. I'm supposed to sleep during the day, in the mornings but that gets difficult at times. I stay up all night and get home at 6am and I have it scheduled to go to sleep around 6:30am when my roommate gets up to go to work. But it gets hard to do that when the sun is rising and every single part of your being is telling you to wake up and start the day. So I end up "staying up" to like 10am, then in order to get a full 8 hours I would have to sleep until like 6pm and that's dark times during the winter. There is nothing more off putting then getting up when it's already dark. It's gross to go to sleep when the sun comes up and wake up when the sun goes down. On second thought, gross doesn't even begin to cover it. So as a result I haven't been sleeping. The other day I stayed up like 40 hours with a three hour nap in the middle somewhere. It was horrible. Another unforseen consequence was yesterday I was just about to drift off the sleep finally at 8am when my boss called me to come in for a day time shift. Too bad I had been awake for a day and a half at this point. I was not a happy camper that day, no siree!

So how can you combat this unfortunate problem? You can't really change the time you get to sleep, it's determined by your work schedule. You also can't change when the sun goes up or comes down. What you can influence is how your body reacts to it. For example get black out curtains in your bed room. Fool your body into thinking it's still night time when you go to sleep. In the afternoon purchase a timer so your lights will turn on when you want to wake up in so it looks like it's within the realm of possibility that it could be daylight. Also invest in some ear plugs. The neighborhood kids like to come home from school and, you know, play and stuff, so it can get loud. If I want to get my full eight hours I have to pray they have a lot of homework that day or something. If you don't want to get blackout curtains, which I don't particularly want to do, I like how bright and airy my apartment is and I don't want to mar that with heavy light consuming curtains, I would suggest a sleep mask. An added benefit of this is feeling super high class and pretentious as you sleep, win-win!

I would also suggest embracing this new nocturnal life style. There is a lot to do in the city at night, more than you'd think. Bars are open until around 2am usually, though last call is typically 1:30am. There is karaoke to indulge in and trivia nights to dominate. The late night world is your oyster, and when all your friends are starting to get tired you can mock them for being super lame. Also there is a lot of ...interesting? late night tv on, delve into that treasure trove! You'll find such classics as The Young and the Restless, the longest running soap opera to date, (I just looked it up, and I totally made that up, oh well, I'll let it stand) and 16 and Pregnant. I don't know how you can feel upset about being a night owl when you have such great options, it boggles the mind.

Another dubious plus side is that you will basically begin to look like a vampire. No sun will touch your skin, thus you will also be avoiding the leading cause of skin cancer. These pros are just adding up I tell you. Also if you want to get out of something, just claim you're suffering from seasonal effective disorder and you need to stay home under your sun lamp. No joke though, you should all go out in the sun every once in a while to maintain that non-corpse like appearance we all so encourage and to get that necessary vitamin D.

Well this devolved quickly, I'm blaming the lack of sleep and the lack of real food and all that, but really people it's not that bad. Really... I mean now I'm beginning to share a disturbing resemblance to Gollum, but other than that I couldn't be happier.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Greatest of American Holidays: The Super Bowl

In a country that thrives on creating fake holidays, just to make money (yay capitalism) The Super Bowl is probably my favorite. It isn't an official holiday on the calendar, we don't get it off from work (I mean I had to work on Sunday) and there are no hallmark cards that you are socially obligated to buy. It does have a color scheme though it changes from year to year, depending on the teams playing. There is always a winner and a loser which is also a common theme that runs throughout American holidays. For instance, St. Patrick's Day; if you were ever a kid in elementary school and you forgot your bit of green on this day, you deserved what you got as far as I'm concerned.

There are a lot of reasons to love the Super Bowl, and this year was an especially good one to talk about. I live in LA and therefore don't have a real team of my own to cheer for, as a result my favorites tend to have more to do with who my parents talk about or whose quarterback seems the coolest, (I know people I'm a paragon of sports knowledge). That being said I had no problem with either of the teams this year. I like the Giants because I love the Manning brothers and while Eli (insert sister-kissing-mouth-breather joke here) is a poor substitute for Paton,  I was willing to make due. I also don't mind the Patriots because they were the underdog as far as I'm concerned. They had previously lost to the Giants at another Super Bowl, and everyone was giving all the press to Eli Manning and the Giants leading up to the game. Also I like Tom Brady, he seems like an okay person. So I had no pigs in this race, and I like it like that. Emotional involvement is messy.

I would like to point out that while I've gotten better at knowing all the rules of Football and can watch a game intelligently, I still have absolutely no idea what is going on 90% of the time. Usually I get so bored watching the game that I have to leave part way through. I have gotten better though, a fact which I attribute to three years of going to home college football games and watching all four seasons of Friday Night Lights (Clear eyes, full heart, CAN'T LOSE!). Sometimes I feel like my folks are talking in a different language with all the football jargon, and everyone else seems to understand it. Despite these issues I have to say I enjoyed myself this particular Sunday.

First off, who doesn't like a day when it is socially acceptable to get drunk and yell constantly? Not to mention all the foodie snacks you get to munch on all day long. My brother and I were planning on engaging in a new form of drinking game I found on the internets call Battle Shots!

Sadly this dream was not realized, partially because we didn't get our shit together in time and partially because I had to work that night and my better judgement told me not to start a drinking game involving shots of hard liquor. That being said, this will happen at some point! Also being said, this kind of juvenile behavior is acceptable and even encouraged on this most American of days. It is a day for BBQs and ordering vast amounts of pizza, vats of guacamole and barrels of chips, not to mention the BEER! Oh America I know what you need, an excuse to get drunk and disorderly in the safety of your own living room!

Okay so that is why Super Bowl as an institution is awesome but this game was more fun than usual for a couple of reasons. One which I mentioned before being my increase interest in the game. The second being we were all waiting for the QBs to get sacked. Apparently, and I didn't know this, but Tom Brady makes the best faces when he gets sacked, I think it might be all QBs, but Brady especially. Think about it, these guys think of themselves as the top of the football foodchain, their words are law, they have an entire offensive line whose main job is to keep the opposing team away from them so he can make the play happen. That's some pretty powerful stuff, no wonder most of them are assholes, I probably would be too. That being said, when everyone fucks up and the QB gets sacked it's pretty much the most hilarious thing ever. I can safely say this because I really don't give a damn who wins any given game.

Another reason the Super Bowl was more entertaining than usual this year is probably because I'm finally out of school and in the work force. I don't have as much free time as I used to and therefore I know I need to make the most of the time I do have. This means that when I have days off I actually do stuff, like go home for the day to hang with my family and watch a rousing game of football. I also don't get to see my family nearly as much because I am working more and I can't just go home for days at a time and bum around the old family domicile, as much as I would like to, so any excuse is a good excuse!

But, we're getting off track, as much as I am only now discovering my true love of the Super Bowl, it has been an unofficial, but officially awesome, American holiday far long than I've been alive. America is ridiculous when it comes to holidays, they're basically an excuse for capitalism to run rampant and Super Bowl Sunday is no excuse. Just go to the super market a couple days before and you'll see a ridiculous increase in avocado, chip, beer and deli meat sales. It's... gastonomical... I love any socially sanctioned excuse to sit on the couch all day, staring at the tv, whilst shoving embarrassing amounts of food down my throat, it's the American dream. I used to be slightly ashamed of this beautiful country but now I'm nothing but proud. America the beautiful where, football and food reign hand in hand, united by our love and devotion to them. God bless us, everyone.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Why I Luurv Celebrity Crushes

Let's be real ladies and gentlemen, everyone has a celebrity crush. Some are a little stranger than others but everyone has a this propensity to think some guy we've seen in a movie or on tv will make us happy. And while this may seem unhealthy and unproductive, I feel like to a certain extent it is necessary for happiness.

Now I'm just going to go ahead and reveal some of my more intense crushes such as James McAvoy (oh if only you were taller/an actual possibility for me). Now I first started to have gushy teenage feelings about ol' McAvoy when I watched the Children of Dune miniseries on the SyFy channel, that's right, I'm that cool, and for all you judgers out there I challenge you to watch it too, you'll see what I mean if you do (hint: he's shirtless the entire time!)

teen Schmahlo was down!
Now I admit he is more attractive/mature now, but take into account I was in high school and that was the pinnacle of dreaminess.

James may have been my first real celebrity crush (I'm not counting JC from n'sync) but he was by no means my last. I'm currently suffering from a Michael Fassbender craze which made X-Men First Class especially difficult to watch because both my obsessions were in it, and they had a beautiful bromance together (le sigh). Typically I don't even really have these celebrity crushes on actual real people. Usually it's just the character they are protraying that gets my gears turning, if you forgive the crass language. For instance I couldn't care two figs for ol' Fassenbender until he played Mr. Rochester in the most recent Jane Eyre movie. Mr. Rochester has long been a favorite male protagonist of mine and basically anyone who has ever played him ever will eternally be on my list of who I would be willing to do anything for a chance with (actually that's a lie I only like Michael Fassbender and Toby Stevens from the 2006 masterpiece theater miniseries). 

grab me a slice of that broody english pie!
All that being said, I realize that many people view these obsessions as unhealthy or indicative of a less than sane mind, but I disagree. They are pivotal to how we form relationships in our own lives. For young people who've never had actual real relationships the TV show and movie characters do a decent job of showing the frailties of the human condition (a.k.a. no one is perfect) without completely destroying all hope for their own futures. So thank you beautiful men and women in the TV you make me not hate my fellow man as much.

Maybe for some people their fake relationships with fictional characters impede their potential for true and lasting real life relationships but in my experience this isn't the case. In fact I'm usually more down to socialize with others after a wonderful movie where I could fantasize the entire time about being the leading lady next to that leading man. Those emotions we feel in the midst of someone else's fictional drama almost seem to jump start our own internal drives to interact with others. All I know is the longer it's been since I've seen a romantic comedy with a drool worthy man the less likely I am to check my online dating profiles/respond to advances from the opposite sex, cause let's be honest social interaction is a lot of work when it's with someone new (I guess it's not a lot of work for everyone but I'm basically a hermit).

We never really see those issues occur in TV dramas and so we are inspired to take the plunge and just go for it. The norm is for everything to work out in the end and that consistent message gives us all the internal optimism it takes to just get out there and do it. Lusting after fictional men/women provides us with the incentive to actually go out and find a nonfictional man/woman. As much as I am usually against nonfiction when it comes to my television or books I am all for it in regards to my actual life.

So LAY OFF MY FICTIONAL CRUSHES they are literally the only thing keeping me from becoming the recluse that I could totally become if given the chance.

Ummmmm.... HELL YEAH

Monday, January 30, 2012

Hipsters In Love: In Theaters 2012

We've all seen the movies, they have become the pinnacle of love that we aspire to BUT IS THAT RIGHT?!?! Don't worry we'll address all your concerns here, and if I must I will crush some dreams, but you know SOME DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE DESTROYED!

(500) Days of Summer - A.K.A. The Hipster Anthem

Everyone loves Zooey Deschanel, and don't get me wrong I love her too. And I know girls who would literally kill someone for a chance at Jason Gordon-Levitt, and while I am not one of them, Sorry JGL you're a little too svelte for me, I can appreciate his appeal. They are both the bee's knees as the kids say these days. Okay I've gotten the obligatory praise of the famous pretty people out of the way, now on to the movie.

Now I have this internal rule that in movies the characters are not their actors. This helps me separate the weird celebrity gossip I hear about these people I don't know/care about with the characters in tv shows whom I do actually care about sometimes very deeply (what can I say I get very emotionally involved at times). So my critique of the character Summer should in no way reflect on Miss Deschanel, same goes for JGL.

Summer is the perfect example of the twenty something hipster. She has a quirky apartment with some nice vintage wallpaper. I don't know about anyone else but no apartment I've ever been in has had awesome wallpaper/let me put up wallpaper. Maybe I just need to have more expensive grown up apartments but this seems extremely unlikely to me. Also what was with the weird decorations, a dead tree full of origami birds? Really Summer? Really? I can just imagine her sitting at her adorable coffee table carefully folding those birds internally plotting how she'd use them to intimidate all her visitors with her hipster powers.

yes, yes my precious, we'll ensnare them all! 

Now Tom played by our lovable Jason Gordon-Levitt was the other half of the equation. The oh so ready to fall in love twenty something male protagonist a la Ted Mosby. All it took was a pretty girl with a little quirk to her step to convince him that it was the moment to fall in love. I think it's safe to say we'd all like a little quirkiness in our potential significant others. It definitely helps in the beginning when we're all basically engaging in a competition to impress our beaus with our prowess. Much like the cavemen of old when the one who brought home the biggest mammoth leg got the prettiest lady. In today's world the mammoth are extinct, I think we'd all have it a little easier if this was not true, but it is. Instead of going out to hunt mammoths we have to pretend to be more interesting than we normally are and just go around ikeas or wherever and make everyone else in the store feel massively uncomfortable!

In this movie their love is a very childish thing. They fall in love over the course of several frivolous activities I did as a teenager, and you know what? We all love it. the whole world is enamored with the concept of hipsters falling in love in a hipster way. I probably sound really old and a bit of a fogy. Those damn kids and their falling in love, who needs em' get off my lawn! That being said it's not realistic. Sorry people you won't meet someone who's "adorkable" at a swap meet or at your job working as a label writer for starbucks and fall in love over karaoke and PBR. Maybe that will happen to you, but for the sake of discouraging unrealistic goals I'm going to say it's highly unlikely.

Next we have the actually teenaged hipster lovers in Youth and Revolt where we have young Nicholas Twisp played by the eternally pre-pubescent Michael Cera and the franophile overly sexual Sheeni Saunders played by Portia Doubleday (who I haven't heard of and I'm pretty sure is nothing else of note).

These two haven't matured to the point where they are skilled in hiding their bougie-ness behind a facade of worldliness. Twisp is obsessed with records and falling in love with the overly sophisticated Sheeni and Sheeni is in turn obsessed with all things french and making Nicholas go to extreme lengths to prove he loves her. This includes such wonderful gems as destroying both his parents' cars and getting her kicked out of her pretentious all french boarding school. It's a match made in heaven. Again not really but we idolize them and wish secretly, or not so secretly as the case may be that we too could find a man/woman to love in such a manner.

Again I may sound old and bitter/cynical but please bitches if some guy was like "hey I did all this for you, sorry you got kicked out of your awesome boarding school that was fulfilling all your dreams/whatever but um I burned down a coffee shop for you, WE BELONG TOGETHER!" if someone said that to me first of all I would probably kick him in the mouth and secondly I would not reciprocate his obviously unhealthy obsession with me, flattering though it may be. I'm not even going to go into Nick's creation of his alterego used to facilitate his descent into juvenile delinquency. That's a post for another day.

Francois Dillinger - all around bad ass

I had an idea the other day to create a movie entitled Hipsters in Love along the same lines as the Scary Movie franchise. A movie that would capture all the over used stereotypes of the modern day hipster and show the world how ridiculous we all seem. I can hear my children fifty years down the road now, making fun of my generation for our obsession with looking like we got our clothes out of dumpsters and our preoccupation with bohemian-esque love.

Look how cute they are,
 they're probably playing the "penis" game

Sunday, January 29, 2012

They Said She'd Never Sink

My first promise is that I will not be using sea shanty jargon all the time. For those of you who are relieved don't get too excited, I said all the time, not never. I can't resist a good some sea-side salutations occasionally. For those of you who want me to always be speaking in the language of a sailor in love with his fickle mistress the sea, don't think this means I'll be busting out pirate stuff all the time, I'm a classy lady.

That being said, this all has nothing to do with the sea. In fact I don't particularly like the ocean. I think whales are vaguely diabolical and are biding their time before they destroy us all (just ask sea world... too soon?) and that it is quite possible we have already been invaded and we just don't know because they're in the ocean! I mean, who really knows what's going on down there anyway (That's what she said?) I definitely feel a certain sense of kinship with ol' Ahab.

Just call me Ishmael 
That being said, Schmahlo is not a sea gal, but be that as it may, I'm about to go all philosophical in that I am a ship on the great sea of life... blah blah blah. I'm going to leave it to the historians of the future to try and figure this one out. We all know these blogs are like the diaries of tomorrow. I know people who are majoring/majored in history and they are mad about journals and diaries and are always getting on my case to start one. I say I'm just forward thinking and they will all thank me one day for these titillating tidbits of wisdom. 

ON TO THE MEAT (She also might have said that, I promise I'm not planning these). I am on a fierce hunt for a pet. A.K.A. I want a cat. For those of you dog people out there who turn your noses up at cats, you can just go bite it. I LOVE THEM. If a dog loves you big deal, he loves anyone who feeds him, when a cat loves you, you've earned that love. Not to say dogs aren't awesome, if it were feasible in my apartment situation to get a dog I totally would, as well as a cat, but it's not SO CAT IT IS! 

I have done a lot of research on breeds because that's basically all I can do at the moment until a few things pan out *cough*roommate consent*cough* so I've been looking up the breeds that do well indoors and their temperaments to see what kind of cat I would do the best with. The consensus (with myself) is that I want an affectionate, loyal lap cat. One that will love me and only me! But will still tolerate the presence of others. After all it would be awkward for my roommate if my hypothetical cat hated her... I guess

I originally fixated on the British Shorthair cat as my object of desire. Not only do they have some admirable traits such as an easy going temperament, an ability to do well indoors and a loving nature they also have some fantastic JOWLS! 

Jowls I tell you JOWLS!

How awesome is that? I can't think of a better feature for a cat. Also added bonus their health risks are a propensity to run to fat in old age because they are so LAZY! A fat lazy fat that will love me and has jowls. Um I'll take two please. 

Sadly these are highly prized show cats and are way beyond the meager wages of a poor recent grad working part-time so I had to move on. It's okay british shorthair one day you will be mine! 

I am now fixated on the Maine Coon cats! These are also well known for their loyalty to their person. They're huge cats which is a plus (if you forgive the pun) because I like bigger cats, they are just cuter to me, I don't totally know why. They're affectionate and have long fur. These are all beautiful pluses, and as an added bonus they are way more common in the pool of available cats to adopt. 

Can you say no to that face, cause I can't

The only problem really is that I have yet to bond with a cat. These creatures are very particular about their people. If they don't like you the adjustment period is not going to be fun. I had this idea to adopt an older cat because they tend to be mellower and not as high maintenance, but what I've found over the course of a few shelter visits is that these cats are not going to bond with you. They've already bonded with some other person and now you're their second choice. 

Perhaps I've just been unlucky in my quest, and there is a wonderful older cat out there waiting to meet me. I would love for that to be the case, but I think I'm going to have to start looking at the younger cats. I'm hoping that if I start with them young, they will LOVE ME AND ONLY ME! That's the goal, don't forget people. 

My next step is to start attending adoption events at pet stores and see where that gets me. But my desire for a lap cat is growing stronger and stronger by the minute! It doesn't help that I'm constantly on looking up adoptable pets in my area. It's become a minor addiction I'm sorry to say. 

"wilt thou not chase the white whale! art not game for Moby Dick?" - Moby Dick by Herman Melville
 Translation: You should probably follow this blog