Sunday, December 16, 2012

Holiday Hallmark Movies Hit and Miss

And by miss I mean missed by a crazy unreasonable amount. Now, I am not gonna lie, I love Holiday movies. There is something about holiday movies that make even the most obscene;y cheesy and corny movies bearable. Perhaps it is the massive amounts of hot cocoa I consume while watching them. There is however no amount of hot cocoa that can redeem some of these monstrosities!

There are two movies in particular that I recently watched. The hit was Christmas with Holly, sorry world this movie was pretty freaking fantastic. And the miss was Hitched for the Holidays, again, sorry world, this movie made me want to write angry letters to the director, producer and pretty much anyone that allowed that movie to exist. STOP RUINING MY HOLIDAY BUZZ!

Christmas with Holly, was beautiful for so many reasons foremost among them was THIS MAN Sean Faris

who looks eerily similar to a young Tom Cruise! 

Maybe imagine Tom Cruise with a little less dirt, before he went crazy and with an adorable little niece who he loves with all his beautiful heart.

precious times a million I know. 

Also there is a wonderful drooly dog names Olive who just wanders about being awesome. And I Fairy House and wonderful realistic romance betwixt adults who are honest with each other. 
What? Our relationship isn't based on lies? And it's working? AMAZING! 
Also this girl irish step dances like a winner. 


Hitch for the Holidays

I typically don't like these movies with the lying to families and the like, it just seems like contrary to the spirit of the holidays to deceive your friends and family. So these two crazies, I call them boy swagger and the preternaturally pale 

basically she posts a craigslist ad for a holiday escort and this attractive gentleman answers and THEY FALL IN LOVE against all odds blah blah blah. 

There were so many random unnecessary twists in this movie. Needless to say it ended with Rob Lowe chasing down her cab as she left her new year's eve party o HORSEBACK. the police officer to whom the horse belonged chased him down (a.k.a. rob lowe didn't actually need to horse to chase down that cab), didn't arrest him, but admonished him to marry that nice girl or face justice. 

I can't even articulate how ridiculous a movie this was. At the end when a normal movie would have just ended you know, rolled the credits, but instead this piece of shit movie ended by telling us how all the characters lives ended up AS IF IT WERE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. How dare it HOW DARE!?!?!

In conclusion, Christmas with Holly ruled, and this other one Sucked! 


Monday, September 10, 2012

a short story

All You Need is Love

My first love and I met in college, freshman year. We didn’t fall in love at first sight, nothing so dramatic. I thought he was funny and he thought I was interesting. We were in the same art history general education class and it seemed natural that we be friends.
I remember the first time he kissed me. We were on the roof of the astronomy building pretending we could see the stars. He had just pointed out a constellation made up of two satellites and an airplane. I looked up at him and I couldn’t resist the laughter that was plain in his eyes. This was a man who could see the ridiculous in everything and still thought it was amazing regardless. That first kiss was like coming home after being somewhere uncomfortably unfamiliar. I felt safe and warm.
What followed was inevitable. People would question us, “You’re really still together?” they asked. Yes, we were. There was nothing else to say, no explanations seemed necessary. I loved him and he loved me. It was all we needed, each other.
We moved in together straight after college. We starved for the first couple months, forfeiting food in favor of rent until we could find jobs. The problem was the recession was still keeping its choke hold on the job market so starving became a real possibility and not just a cute phrase.
            He did odd jobs and I tried to sell my art to tourists at the weekend farmer’s markets. We barely made ends meet, until we didn’t.
I was trying not to look hungry, and trying to sell a middle-class matron on the idea of garbage really being trash, and the energy needed to do both at once was draining. The woman walked away empty handed, my pitch needed work, when a young woman walked up to my blanket. I had seen her ilk before, polished I think the word was. Her hair was perfectly in place, make-up without a smudge which was still a skill I did not possess. Her pant suit had firmly pressed lines and its color complemented her skin tone beautifully.
I looked up at her and started my spiel but I had no real hope of convincing her. This kind of woman knew quality and she knew my work was not. She crouched down and started fingering a necklace I had made out of old beer bottle glass and caps.
“That one is…” I started trailing my hand through my hair nervously. 
She held up a hand, effectively cutting me off. It was just as well I wasn’t sure what I would have said: very weird? very sad? very please buy it?
“I see you here every weekend, but you are still selling the same trash.” I through my head back a little at the harshness of her words. I knew it was trash, nothing like the grand projects I imaged I’d be creating. No glorious sculptures or awe inspiring paintings that captured what was in my mind or heart. Instead I searched our damp apartment’s trash and recycle bins each morning for something that wasn’t too dirty or broken to use.
“Not everyone can see the, the beauty..” I tried to muster up some pride for my work, to defend it.
“Let me stop you right there. It is trash, not up to your potential at all.”
What was this? My potential? Did this woman know me, could she see my artist’s spirit behind the despair that was beginning to creep into my every movement?
“You don’t need to stoop to this level. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted. You already have what you need.”
This all seemed too good to be true. Perhaps I should have been more suspicious. This is the part of the story where I yell at the heroine that it’s all a trap. It seems too good to be true because it is. It was, but I didn’t figure that out until much later.
“It’s easy enough. You use your love to pay.”
It started out easy enough. I would tell her about a moment when I loved him. Something he’d done that day that made me smile. It happened so slowly I almost didn’t notice.
One day his inability to wash the dishes would make me smile and shake my head and the next I would be slightly frustrated but still indulgent. I became shorter with him. When before I may have been miserably hawking my substandard wares in a crowd of indifferent tourists and housewives, at least I went home and could forget it all in his arms, content that we still had it all.
That started to disappear. Slowly, so slowly. Our standard of living increased, I never told him what was happening, I instead let him assume business was picking up. He got a steady job, and I could have stopped but it was so easy. It was just me telling stories I wanted to tell anyway, and here was an audience who seemed completely interested.
Every time I left her, she seemed a little brighter, a little happier. Still polished but not as intimidating. He face was more approachable, she seemed lively like a friend you were eager to make. I didn’t notice the changes that I myself was undergoing but they were happening none the less.
“Last night we went back to the astronomy building roof.” I started.
“Where he first kissed you?” she asked her hands trailing through her hair in an achingly familiar gesture.
“Yes, where it all began. It’s my last story, and the most important. I wanted so badly to see the stars, and he showed them to me. It was the moment I knew I loved him.” I said the words even though they had long ago lost their meanings. I was going through the motions of love with none of the spirit.
“At that moment I loved him.” She said and she was me, as she had been becoming all along.
I looked down at my perfectly pressed suit she had been wearing and I touched my hair in its neat bun. I looked at her across from me and I could see her glowing with love, the love I had possessed not too long ago, squandered away for an easier life. I couldn’t even feel the regret I knew I should have.
I didn’t love him anymore, she did. It was like he was a man I had once admired from a distance but had never gotten close enough to know.
She reached across the table and pressed my hand before grabbing my bag and walking back to my blanket of trinkets I knew she would sell.
I had paid with my love, just like she said I would, and I couldn’t understand what I had given away.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Being Inappropriate at the Supermarket

I frequently have to resist the impulse to be extremely inappropriate in public situations. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am less so. This last trip to the market was a near thing indeed.

First off has anyone noticed how phallic most food is. French Baguettes, rolls of ground meat? Oh god just talking about it is horrifying. I mean come on, bananas? BANANAS?!?! These are acceptable and often purchased foods (well I buy a lot of baguettes because I'm a bread snob but meat and fruit those are definitely popular food choices.)

Okay so I attempted to search "girl eats banana" to illustrate how horrifying of a food it is, and I can't even make myself post any of the results. Try it yourself it's revealing of... something. Also lots of little kids which is disturbing in a different way.

There is also a lot of suggestive marketing that goes along with food. Lots of meal for two nonsense. Like come on meal... for two? That may be a stretch but it still counts for me.

Anyway long story short I have a dirty mind and should not be allowed out in public, obviously. Good thing no one reads this BOO-YAH!

I mean COME ON! 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Zombie Survival Guide

Some times I start thinking that books like "The Zombie Survival Guide" were written in the future and sent back to us as a warning. I start to get the feeling that I need to read it and others like it, and genuinely begin preparing for these catastrophes that are coming.

Then I remember that I am a rational being and that's all just silly.

Or is it...?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Book I'm excited to Read

The Devil's Mixtape by Mary Borsellino

It's about three separate girls in different time periods who share a common legacy. I don't know too much about it, only what's in the amazon book description, but I've heard great things about it. Also the author is Australian and every single book I've ever read that was written by an Australian as been beautiful, insightful,  and awe inspiring.

Two of my favorite books of all time: Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta and Son of the Shadows by Juliet Marillier are both written by awesome Australian ladies. I want to go there so I can soak up the creative juices.

Anyway, I'm excited about it.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Ode to a Kitty Cat

Oh you most elusive of creatures
Won't you please come visit me
I see you in the parking lot
You taunt me with your snarky disdainful eyes

I saw you climb on my window
One night while I struggled with sleep
I went to the door to try to catch you
But you had already slipped away to greener pastures

Oh elusive kitty
I will feed you the best foods
I will pet you when you want
and leave you alone when you want

I see you running underneath the cars
I wonder to whom do you belong
Is it one of my neighbors
Or the grand notion of adventure?

Oh little orange creature
Please don't run from me
Let me offer you my affection and regard
I long for a kitty companion of my own

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Perks of Being a Night Owl, or Surviving the Night Shift

You may or may not know this, but I work during the night now. And not in a oh I get off at 9pm oh it's so late. No, I work from 10pm until 6am most days of the week. This has created and interesting new dynamic between me and my body. If anyone has worked during the night, you'll know how difficult it is to adjust to this new schedule at first. Your body doesn't know what to do in the mornings, it's tired but the sun is tell it to wake up. I had a lot of trouble the first week just getting enough sleep during the day. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep past noon for some reason. I mean really, in my hay day I could sleep until about 2pm no problem, even when I went to sleep at a reasonable hour. It's sad to think my body is starting to get used to a responsible sleeping schedule. Proof I really am an adult I guess.

Anyway there have been a couple of strange consequences to this new schedule. First off, I've lost my appetite to a large extent. I think my body is just so freaked out that we haven't really been communicating properly. It's as if it doesn't know if it's the morning or not. To be fair I go to sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon, so I guess it's only to be expected that there would be some confusion. My remedy for this not eating, because I do need food occasionally, has been to schedule it out. I've been working on a new schedule that will simulate a regular day, even though my days are far from regular, and this has kept me from getting the grouchies, or low blood sugar. Also I only really want to eat totino's pizza rolls, I could eat those all day.

I also cannot seem to decide when to sleep. I'm supposed to sleep during the day, in the mornings but that gets difficult at times. I stay up all night and get home at 6am and I have it scheduled to go to sleep around 6:30am when my roommate gets up to go to work. But it gets hard to do that when the sun is rising and every single part of your being is telling you to wake up and start the day. So I end up "staying up" to like 10am, then in order to get a full 8 hours I would have to sleep until like 6pm and that's dark times during the winter. There is nothing more off putting then getting up when it's already dark. It's gross to go to sleep when the sun comes up and wake up when the sun goes down. On second thought, gross doesn't even begin to cover it. So as a result I haven't been sleeping. The other day I stayed up like 40 hours with a three hour nap in the middle somewhere. It was horrible. Another unforseen consequence was yesterday I was just about to drift off the sleep finally at 8am when my boss called me to come in for a day time shift. Too bad I had been awake for a day and a half at this point. I was not a happy camper that day, no siree!

So how can you combat this unfortunate problem? You can't really change the time you get to sleep, it's determined by your work schedule. You also can't change when the sun goes up or comes down. What you can influence is how your body reacts to it. For example get black out curtains in your bed room. Fool your body into thinking it's still night time when you go to sleep. In the afternoon purchase a timer so your lights will turn on when you want to wake up in so it looks like it's within the realm of possibility that it could be daylight. Also invest in some ear plugs. The neighborhood kids like to come home from school and, you know, play and stuff, so it can get loud. If I want to get my full eight hours I have to pray they have a lot of homework that day or something. If you don't want to get blackout curtains, which I don't particularly want to do, I like how bright and airy my apartment is and I don't want to mar that with heavy light consuming curtains, I would suggest a sleep mask. An added benefit of this is feeling super high class and pretentious as you sleep, win-win!

I would also suggest embracing this new nocturnal life style. There is a lot to do in the city at night, more than you'd think. Bars are open until around 2am usually, though last call is typically 1:30am. There is karaoke to indulge in and trivia nights to dominate. The late night world is your oyster, and when all your friends are starting to get tired you can mock them for being super lame. Also there is a lot of ...interesting? late night tv on, delve into that treasure trove! You'll find such classics as The Young and the Restless, the longest running soap opera to date, (I just looked it up, and I totally made that up, oh well, I'll let it stand) and 16 and Pregnant. I don't know how you can feel upset about being a night owl when you have such great options, it boggles the mind.

Another dubious plus side is that you will basically begin to look like a vampire. No sun will touch your skin, thus you will also be avoiding the leading cause of skin cancer. These pros are just adding up I tell you. Also if you want to get out of something, just claim you're suffering from seasonal effective disorder and you need to stay home under your sun lamp. No joke though, you should all go out in the sun every once in a while to maintain that non-corpse like appearance we all so encourage and to get that necessary vitamin D.

Well this devolved quickly, I'm blaming the lack of sleep and the lack of real food and all that, but really people it's not that bad. Really... I mean now I'm beginning to share a disturbing resemblance to Gollum, but other than that I couldn't be happier.